Log II: The Mess

The mess that is my life right now is far from overwhelming and I am not here to complain about that. Also, for the sake of keeping friend's personal matters personal, I'm going to write strictly of my observations and personal emotions toward given situations- assuming there is something to say.

A love triangle is one thing, but a square? I knew that things would get hairy as soon as one of the three whose hearts she was stealing made a move. Relationships between friends amongst friends tends to lead to various schisms down the road. Tensions have been building and limits were really pushed tonight. I myself made a foolish move in retaliation to being hit in the back, while bare-chested, with a 'five star' while my friend held a condom in his hand (All my friends are messed up and I'm no exception). I was disgusted by the prospect of what had happened and did a very un-bro-ly thing and turned to kick him where it hurts most. I'm sorry about that since it had unforeseen consequences beyond the pain but more in the 'image' area amongst my friends. Amidst the tension in the air a blow to someone's image is really a lower blow than my own. I appologized and hope no grudges will be held.

The relationship that that developed out of the love square is strong for now, and has every chance at staying that way, but in lieu of recent events and longstanding emotional attachments, I fear that a more stressful night will come soon. I have always aimed to be more of an observer of events and have been, until some comparatively minor events tonight, but I have found myself much more actively outspoken and not holding true to what I believe in my mind. It is a robotic response more than a defiance of my virtues however it does still bother me. With friends it is hard to be an observer anyway- afterall, I would be more of a stalker than a friend if I didn't involve myself with them. Even so, it troubles me that I'm concious my mistakes and motives yet end up robotically responding to things.

I will work on my responses to things. Furthermore, I will stay true to my belief that humans must be human and that involves enjoying life- even at some minor expense. I refuse to do any form of drugs or to drink in excess, but I am going to enjoy my time here on Earth. If we only live once, I'll dedicate myself to the best of both worlds for mself and others (assuming I get out of this box I live in :P).