Log X: A Melancholic Valentine's Day

I promised a compilation of my views on the world. That, and perhaps too an account of the prom nearly a year ago... I did forget to come back when I failed to get my thoughts together. 2009 Turned out to be a very pivotal year in my life- I've most certainly changed significantly for better and for worse. I'm far from a matured human being but I believe I have a much greater understanding of the world around me than the me of May, 2009. In less than a year I've seen wonderful and terrible things, experience euphoria and heartbreak, and for several months I've been struggling with what I cannot decide is either seasonal depression or a direct result of a wounded heart. Regardless... times are changing for me. I'm nearly done with high school. In a few short months I may never again roam the halls of Malden Catholic... but ya know, even though I may be leaving some friends behind, I know they'll always be here when I get back and that gives me the strength to go solo and really make an adventure out of my life on my own. No more depending on others and aspiring to be better. I will be me and this life will be mine.

[A Brief Tale of the Prom and Time Thereafter Regarding Friendship with My Date]

Overall I can't say I had a bad time, however there was such a huge amount of disappointment and failure that I certainly cannot say I had a good time. My date didn't want to dance all night, and, having only known each other a short while, awkward conversation for 3 and a half hours was a challenge. I had hopes she'd be more of a party animal like myself, but I was understanding and didn't fuss. Unfortunately, when many prom-goers decided to leave my party had no decided where to go to. Joe was adamant about going to the Kowloon but no one was hungry. There was an overwhelming majority that wanted to go elsewhere. Regardless he proceeded to bitch and act as though he had some claim over the limo we all split the cost for. We ended up driving around Boston until 2 in the morning where everyone was dropped off. I walked to Mike's house with him to spend the night. We stayed up until about 5:30 playing video games when he decided to sleep. When he fell asleep I left and walked home. (A note: Mike and I were very good friends at the time, having had several heart-to-heart conversations and just generally chilling. Currently, however, he has decided to hate me for an unknown reason. I haven't given up on him and we're both still out in the same group of friends. I hope he'll come around and at least cut back on the pot smoking habit he's developed.)

Anyway, my date for the prom Kristina, who I would only refer to as by that name today, ended up becoming... not good friends per se, but friendly acquaintances nonetheless. Matt and myself would later go to her house for a toga party on the night of their prom or ball or some kind of semi-formal. Later, still upon becoming greater friends with Leah and Liz, Matt and I would go on a 4 day trip down the cape with Leah, Liz, Kristina, Vanessa, and Leah's brother and folks.

Of course that would remind me I never wrote any of my thoughts down on the relationship Matt developed with Liz. Let's just say the first night they met and then the limo ride in Boston after prom was... amusing to say the least. I will never expose any kind of personal details in this blog however I do wish to address the following points soon so I can never allow myself to forget such a tumultuous year:

Matt&Liz

Revolution Summer

-Fascination with the culture of the late 60s

-Completely passive and overall happy atmosphere

-Parties

--The Mount

---Mount fails

---Other Spots

-Alexia

--The Death of Alexia

Halloween Fail

Allie&Me

-my good-intention-turned failures, confusion, misconception

Resulting Depression

-General melancholy up to this point regarding relationships and what I want out of anything

-Comparison of my former "emotionless" self

--amusement found comparing myself to Sai from Naruto(lol) and his emotional development

---How he read books and I read articles for clarifcations and still found trouble, etc.

Style Change

Joe&Kristen (Engaged)

College Hunt, guidance mishaps, etc.

AP Gov, Economics

Log IX: Not Forgotten

I have not forgotten about this blog. In all honesty I haven't been swayed in my views of the world at all lately. It worries me, however, that that unchanging either means I am becoming more stone at heart or simply a slave to instinct. I will not lose control of my heart.

Tomorrow's the prom. Should be fun.

I intend on compiling my views on the world in a log post of explanation soon.

Log VIII: And We'll All Float On,

Alright,

here are my concerns for the day. Woke up sick w/ minor and potential flu symptoms. Thankfully they are minor and have faded significantly. Naturally it had me worried what with all that's happening with this "swine flu". The future just looks bleaker and bleaker every day. We've got a pandemic on our hands, the global economy going down the shitter, more and more violence happening frequently on many scales, and, hell, I'm not even sure what to think. I keep a smile on my face all the time while living my individual life but... it's getting harder. I'll keep at it until the end, surely, but here's hoping the world rights itself soon.

Cheers *drinks cold medicine/tea like stuff*

Log VII: Tickets, $150...

Tux, +/- $150;
Limo rental, $170;
Parking ticket, $6.50 (my bad);
am I forgetting something? no? fuck my life, regardless.

I've always hated ritzy things like limos and fancy dances. Formalities always irked me immensely. There's so much that's unnecessary that can change how people think of you. You become a status and not an individual.

I didn't even want to go to prom anyway but figured these opportunities are rare so taking advantage of them would make me happy later. Looking back on it, people said the same about things like the 8th grade semi-formal. I had an okay time, sure, but in all honesty I have no care for it having happened. The same goes for the winter balls and semi-formals that happened freshman year, sophomore year, and the winterball this year. I didn't go and I have no regret.

My rant this afternoon stems from my not having any money to put into this. My parents are going to end up taking care of it which really bothers me since I can't help at all. I'll get back to looking for a job asap but the odds of me getting hired anywhere are getting worse and worse. With the economy where it is, adults are getting all the jobs teens usually take. I have hardly any savings, about 1k in the bank, but that's not gonna last long at all in college or afterward when I actually need to pay my expenses.

fml

fml

fml

Filler Log

Crazy night, i'll fill in some of the details tomorrow x.x
er... later today...

Log VI: A Lost Day and a World Conquered

I decided yesterday that I would not post that night since so little had been accomplished during the day. I did get to spend a few hours with my prom date and her friend, who was also very nice, and had an interested ride home not knowing where in the world I was with less than a quarter of a tank of gas, but, overall, nothing really influenced me or motivated my writing - though I must admit I had more fun on such a gray, drizzly, dull day than I would have expected, out and about and then back home in my basement (minus the pig pile).

Today I came face to face with just how cynical and vain I can really be in public. I hope my mind exaggerated the extent of those circumstances but being aware of them still makes me concerned.

Today I went to tour Assumption College and Fitchburg State College with a very closed mind. I'm honest in saying that I did open my mind midway through my tour at Assumption, but still the fact that I so cynically made up my mind previously over what I would believe about the school before going annoys me. That being said, I have to be fair and say that comparatively the two schools are lower than the ones I previously visited. That, however, does not mean they are out. I know that money is tight nowadays and I have to frugal. The schools did have nice aspects to them in addition to the bad, which is to be expected with nearly everything, clearly, so I will be applying to them when the time comes.

After getting home with more of an open heart for things of the college nature, I took it pretty easy with dinner and then a quick walk to hang out with some friends.

I stood in the rain for a while again today since I love the rain.

We ended up in my basement playing a healthful game of risk that we never finished (anyone surprised) and then I ended up having a conversation based around out slightly differing 'moral compasses' and then writing this post.

Most of the conversation is personal, but I'll put in a small bit here just to show where we ended up with it.

Friend: i need 2 find people with common sense

willgenesiscc: but as far as I can tell it's not that big of a problem to let them have fun

willgenesiscc: Their sense is pretty common, actually. We're the one's out there. Unless you disagree in which case I'm out there and apart from them. It's all relative

Friend: u really like using big words and creating complex sentences dont u?

Friend: instead of simply being blunt about it

willgenesiscc: I'm just thorough =D

Friend: lol

willgenesiscc: I'm more biased if I'm blunt

Friend: thats bad?

willgenesiscc: not necessarily, but it's not very just as far as I can tell

There's a lot more to this conversation that I wish I could should since I think it really gives a good insight on how my mind works morally, but I'm unfortunately sworn to secrecy and already pushing the boundries of that.

Night, World

Log V: Wake me up, before ya go-oh

'Cause I've got stuff to do tomorrow morning. Nothing too much to write about tonight. Had an awkward and fun day overall even though the fact that there's even the slightest bit of tension bothers me still. I shouldn't let it but I don't want to see thins build up again.

Happy 420, everyone. Pot smokers and non pot smokers alike, enjoy the... sequence of counting down by 2s to 0 starting with 4 :3

Hm... I'm just gonna summarize some stuff tonight since I'm tired and have to sign off soon. I'll make it a point to do this less often since this blog starting to sound frighteningly similar to my old one.

Went down to the school by my house today just to chill in my car while it rained and while some of my friends went out to smoke somewhere. Basically for 2 hours we fell asleep on top of one another. It was sorta awkward cause we got cramped and I ended up basically hugging my friend jess's backside for 20 minutes (lmfao). We eventually went to play pool and then back to the park to play wiffleball. That didn't work out in the dark so we played football. I originally thought I'd be giving the MVP award to Ejen, but Jess's down-and-dirty and often brutal take-downs in the dirt made me change m mind.

Anyway, I drove some people home after that and then got in myself oh... about 40 minutes ago. I showed, came down here, at some toast with "apple butter(it was so-so)" and then started typing this out. My appologies for the informality in this post. I did not think it was necessary.